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 Tell me what you think

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clutch
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PostSubject: Tell me what you think   Tue Mar 01, 2011 3:02 am

In other local news today, a shooting took place near
Ratta tat tat
Everyone around the premises was struck with fear
Ratta tat tat


Police surrounded the building and blocked off the street
Ratta tat tat
The gunman tried to fight his way into the mid-day heat
Ratta tat tat

Police fired at him, and he was struck down
Ratta tat tat
But not before the gunman mortified the town
Ratta tat tat

The gunman was a well known local to the area
Ratta tat tat
However another 10 people died in the hysteria
Ratta tat tat

The investigation on why he did this is still under way
Ratta tat tat
Police reports tell us it's because no one heard what he had to say
Ratta tat tat
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PostSubject: Re: Tell me what you think   Tue Mar 01, 2011 7:02 pm

Rattata
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PostSubject: Re: Tell me what you think   Wed Mar 02, 2011 12:14 am

Interesting topic for a poem, but the rhythm to it seems off to me
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PostSubject: Re: Tell me what you think   Wed Mar 02, 2011 12:18 am

Nickloves wrote:
Interesting topic for a poem, but the rhythm to it seems off to me

yeah, it was tired when i wrote it... my better stuff is when if more awake and caffeinated.
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PostSubject: Re: Tell me what you think   Wed Mar 02, 2011 2:16 am

The Ratta tat tat seems to short and "there for the sake of it" to be a line, so it makes the lines between them feel feel like they've just be written consequtively, and this together makes the poem seem really basic Smile

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PostSubject: Re: Tell me what you think   Wed Mar 02, 2011 1:44 pm

Coda wrote:
The Ratta tat tat seems to short and "there for the sake of it" to be a line, so it makes the lines between them feel feel like they've just be written consequtively, and this together makes the poem seem really basic Smile

yeah, i know... It was 2 am for me when i wrote that. I was half asleep and completely out of it. I've done better, but i lost them all. The file (physical file, they were written documents) i had them in is gone. I don't know where it went.. I had backups of them too, and those have disappeared too. It frustrates me because those were the best one's i have ever composed, and now they're gone.

In about a week or so when i get in the mood to write, i'll try again.
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